Where Did My Faith Go?

*photo by Christart.com

This one is difficult to put into words but I am going to give it my best shot. I sometimes wonder what happened to my faith. I'm not sure if I can even pinpoint the point of my digression? (Is that a word?) All I know is that my faith tank (It's really my works tank.) feels empty. I'm thinking it's probably about time too.

When I first came to the Lord, it was because He said "Come to me, all you who are heavy-burdened and I will give you rest." I was beaten up bad by the world to say the least. I did "Come" to Him and He did give me rest. It lasted for a short amount of time because then I got messed up with legalism and works. Religion. Ewww! Even the very thought puts a bad taste in my mouth that no amount of mouthwash and cure. :) Somehow, I had left my "first love".

As a wife and mother, I can get so caught up in all my "doing" of those roles that I lose sight of just loving my husband and daughter. The demands of the day (and theirs) take a toll on me to the point where I'm all "gived" out. I'm reminded that they love me for who I am not what I do for them. What I do for them, is an outward expression of the love I have for them but when it becomes the focus of my attention, it is no longer love but "works". My "looking for thanks" tells me that my motives are no longer pure. GASP! It's true if you think about it.

It's no different with my relationship/love for the Lord. What I do for Him is to be as a result of my love for Him but somewhere things go sour and I think I'm even looking for Him to thank me. Oh come on now! If you think about it, you know this is true. It's like He owes me. He doesn't but that's my warped thinking. It's no wonder I'm a tad miffed when I put forth all my effort and He doesn't even acknowledge it. If it was done in love in the first place...How ironic it is because if I did nothing and I mean absolutely nothing for my family or for the Lord, if their love is unconditional, it wouldn't matter. They would love me anyway. It is and they do.

Bear with me I warned you this was difficult to put into words. My faith is to be anchored in my love for Him. My first love. His love for me has never wavered nor has His faith in me. I cannot say the same for myself. I am to put my faith in His love for me and not my love for Him. Digging a little deeper, I discover that the lack of a relationship and assurance of my earthly father's love has clouded the truth of God's love for me and so that is why it is difficult to relate at times. I tried everything I could think of to get my dad to notice me, accept me and love me. He was too busy finding fault with me and lamenting my birth as he said. Sometimes I think I've tried everything with God but he doesn't require it of me. How does one know that God really loves them for real? It's simple! The answer is and will always be. Always has been too. It's Jesus. :)