What Do You Think?

I am seriously asking for help today and not making up a "cutsey" blog. I'm hoping you can shed some light on this and am asking if you might pray. Long story short....When my dd was 5 months old, we moved to the USA. About 5 months after that I went through a period of what I now understand to be post-partum depression. At the time I didn't know what was wrong with me only that something wasn't right. I sought help at a health food store who "prescribed" a few things. When the owner said all those things would help me, I took him literally. I guess it was the state of mind I was in. Anyhow, there are some things on the shelves that I now know from experience have no business being on the shelves. As a result, after taking a combination of things, it sent me on somewhat of a "high" similar to being on drugs. During this traumatic time, I thought I received a word from the Lord that I would die by the time my dd was twelve years old. I have lived in fear ever since. I've gone in phases of extreme fear where I wouldn't go anywhere for fear I would die, to mild under the surface fear that well she's not quite 12.

Last night when a friend of mine mentioned that the father of this little boy lost his mother when he was 12 and never got over it, all those fears rose to the surface. I have been thinking that the time I have spent with my daughter is more then most folks get to spend with their children in a life time. After all these years, I finally have a dentist and a doctor I can at least talk to sans fear when I open up with them and I haven't had that. When I phoned a prayer line today and asked for prayer, I felt sick to my stomach and my heart felt overly burdened like I was trying to carry way too much for my own good and all it's has me weighed down.

I don't know what to do or what to make of this. I know I need to commit it all over to the Lord but I wonder sometimes if anything happened to me or my husband and God forbid both, who would look after my daughter. So there it is in a nutshell. As real as I can get without boring you with too many details. I would just really appreciate your prayers and if you hear from God, what He might have you say to me. I know I'm making myself vulnerable but this is the most I've opened up in a very long while. Frightening as it is it beats living in bondage.

UPDATE: I spent a good while in prayer yesterday morning and opened my heart up to the Lord. Then I went to church expecting to hear from Him, in my heart. I did! "I know the plans I have for you. Plans to give you a hope and a future and not to harm you." I'm convinced it was just the enemy trying to rob me of my joy and to keep me from enjoying being a mother to the fullness of God's intention. Thank you all for praying!